Money | A Hot Issue
We have an entire wedding budget area to talk about the complexity of money. No matter what your money views, there is no "right or wrong." This very simple award-winning game is worth the emotional awareness you'll gain. A few big "a-ha" moments may greatly help in wedding planning. Learn more
We're Going to Be One Happy Family...Or Else!
A very unique book written by a nationally respected marriage and family therapist who has worked with couples and families for over 30 years. Learn why a mother bought 25 copies for EVERYONE in her family to get everyone on the same page during the most intense, public, family event. Learn more
Wedding Discounts for Marriage Prep
Engaged couples are by their nature extremely happy. But as you know, after the honeymoon, marriage is hard work. We offer many options for marriage prep at many price-points(and wedding discounts from vendors who want to help!) Encourage your adult child to visit our website.Learn more
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Marriage Prep
4 part weekly class. Interactive, anonomous, online and by phone.
My fiance was fine with the guest list so I moved forward budgeting and planning according to our final guest list. Now he says he has to invite 10 more people and doesn't understand why it's a big deal. He said he's willing to spend more of our budget but it's not just about money!
What may be going on: Changes are high he has no idea what work was involved in setting up the guest list and all the decisions that are made from the numbers. He is also likely not aware of the difficult decisions and conversations made about who can invite who. The "in" and "out" lists are difficult for you and both sets of parents. And it is not uncommon to simply forget an entire group of people. This is one reason brides are advised to order 25 more wedding invitations (for mistakes in addressing envelops but also forgotten people and last minute adds.)
What usually doesn't happen, but should: Couples and parents often do not have an organized system to figuring out the guest list early on. Guest lists are one of the most difficult aspects of wedding planning because it involves people and the conflict of money.
How to avoid potential drama: You've likely had quite a few arguments already but if you haven't yet, the first step is to ask more. Who are these people, how important are these people to him, how likely are they to be able to attend, have they been assuming they're already invited? Then it's time to do some comparison of those people with others on the guest list. If he realizes you didn't invite your volleyball team, it may be easier for him to not invite his bowling buddies. Or if he realizes a bunch of your cousins aren't able to be invited due to space, he may realize those friends would be prioritized above his friends. If your groom can appreciate the "emotional drama" as separate from the straight budget issues, he may be more aware of why his friends can't be invited. There are also a lot of logistics and work involved in adding more people that he may not be aware of. Maybe not being able to get new, more expensive wedding invitations in time, having to order more favors, get another table rental, or maybe you're already over your limit and may have issues fitting in the reception hall.
What not to say : Avoid making him feel defensive or stupid. He may appreciate more "data" on how the guest list fits into the overall plans. He'll become more aware that tough decisions were made by others and his last minute additions could be a lot more costly than just the budget. Then help him figure out how to socially figure out what to do if he sort of hinted these people would be invited and now can't make it. If he has NO clue how to deal with the interpersonal stuff, that alone may be why he sticks firm to needing them to be invited. You may even agree that you'll be the "bad" one and he can blame it on you.
Read more from our book, Take Back Your Wedding available on our website or Amazon.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance is a 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. See what engaged couples and wedding professionals are saying about our book Take Back Your wedding. Our entire website is dedicated to offering advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.