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My fiance agreed to help with wedding planning but hasn't done anything. How can I get him involved without nagging?
What may be going on: Few of us, men or women, really understand what it takes to plan a wedding. But, for most couples, it's the woman who digs in. She buys the books, magazines, finds the websites. Soon she finds herself stressed out about things she never even knew existed before (the variety of invitation paper! the fonts! the types of dress fabric! the pros and cons to DIY.) And whether the groom originally agreed to be part of the big day, a gap usually emerges in "wedding expertise." So at the point the bride remember to get her groom involved, he may be completely unaware of how the decision impacts everything else. One innocent comment creates defensiveness or frustration and shuts him down. Or perhaps there was no clarification on the who, why, when, where of his tasks. Left in the dark, he's not going to find the task interesting or requiring immediate attention.
What usually doesn't happen, but should: As soon as the engagement takes place there should be a talk about teamwork, values, priorities, and expectations. If one person has more time and interest, they need to talk about how they navigate their different level of "investment" in the plans and how decisions will be made and expectations of each other as things progress. What also rarely happens is letting the groom in on the behind the scenes stuff before his "task" comes up. So whether this is getting his side of the guest list, or hiring a DJ, if he has no idea what those tasks involved (guest list involves budgeting, table and linen rentals, space restraints on finding a reception, number of invitations, etc) or the timing on when they should happen, he may not realize it should be bumped up higher on his priority list. And if he gets nagged, he gets defensive. If he gets defensive, he won't want to accomplish the task! It becomes an ego thing.
How to avoid potential drama : You know your fiance and you can ask how he (or she!) best operates. If you're the organized groom but your completely disorganized, procrastinating bride wants to plan the wedding, you can set out the roles and timelines and who does what and when. Perhaps you can work on things she can do that aren't as time sensitive, or if she's a really indecisive person, maybe you can agree to do the research and give her just the top 3 options. There is nothing like the simple ask, "how can I help you get this task done? Is it better to email you 3 weeks in advance? Is it better to tell you the day before? Should I block off time on our calendar and we do it together?"
What not to say : Avoid the nagging, complaining, and threats ("if you don't do it, I'll just do it myself!") If someone is ultimately not doing what they agreed to do, a soft start up should happen to make a win-win. Example. "Honey, I know work has been crazy busy and you're really stressed out. I'm stressed out too and would love to either do what I can to help you get the dj picked out, or just go ahead and take that off your plate. What do you think is best for your busy schedule right now?" Empathy goes a long way to avoiding defensiveness and can result in a "take back" of an important task without any guilt, arguing, or ongoing resentment.
Read more from our book, Take Back Your Wedding available on our website or Amazon.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance is a 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. See what engaged couples and wedding professionals are saying about our book Take Back Your wedding. Our entire website is dedicated to offering advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.