How to chose the wedding party?

What Wedding Party Selection Process Can Teach You About Marriage

The proposal has happened, you are now officially engaged, and reality is setting in. One of the first conversations you have is about who will be in your wedding part. (Some couples forgo this tradition entirely but may still find the questions useful if there are people in their lives who were expecting to be in the wedding.) Traditionally the bridal party has been there to support the bride in planning her wedding, so she wants to try to line up these women (or men!) soon so she can start the planning. But to make these decisions in the face of so many possible friends, relatives, and new in-laws can be one of the most emotionally intimate and risky parts of wedding planning. And if family members on either side feel wronged, the decision can haunt you well into your marriage. But digging deep into your values and the values of your fiancé(e), and figuring out the expectations of others, can lead to a very positive decision about who is most important to stand next to you as you get married. Your wedding party will be key parts of the convoy that will accompany you through your married life.

The most obvious first question is: What does “standing up” for someone, or “having attendants” mean to you? Is this an old tradition you don’t resonate with but think of more in the modern terms of “who can help me plan my wedding well, who can throw the showers and who do I have the most fun with”—or perhaps the more dated notion of, “who do I want to honor as someone important in my life, even if I barely know them or don’t like them?” Even if you can both quickly rattle off the people who you want in your wedding it doesn’t hurt to think about the following set of questions. It can be a learning opportunity or help you avoid some costly relationship problems by the decisions you’ve made. How you answer these questions can teach you about your future marriage.

Questions for you and your fiancé(e) to consider and talk about:

Is there ANYONE, anywhere, who expects to be in the wedding party? Have you and your best friend from elementary school always planned to be in each others weddings but in the last few years you have drifted a bit? Perhaps tradition in your family is that siblings are always in the wedding or there is some cousin out there who always thought she’d be in your wedding. Getting an ice ball thrown at you when you thought you made your decision only to have your fiancé(e)’s mom question why her daughter isn’t in the wedding party is not fun. It is best to be well aware of the playing field before getting your heart set.
Who is most important to you? Is it family? Is it friends? Why? What about longevity of the relationship vs. the emotional intimacy or the sense of obligation? What if you differ? Does it matter if you have all family on the bride’s side and only friends on the groom’s side? What if you have uneven numbers of “close people” in your life?
What role does family play in the wedding party? If you aren’t close to a family member, does that make you less or more likely to invite this person into the party? Do you want to invite him or her and then try to get to know them better?
Of the people you’re considering, do they all get along or does that matter to you? What if they’re very different types of people – should you go for “who will have the best time together” or “who is most important to me”? What if some live out of town? Are they equally responsible and trustworthy? Are some drama-queens? Can they all afford to be in the wedding – dress, tux, shoes, hair, makeup, flights, car rentals, the shower activities? Are any trying to have kids or have kids already? Should this affect your decision?
How are your friendships going to impact your marriage? Some of us have friends the other doesn’t like – does it matter if the bride is looking over her groom’s shoulder at a man she detests – who happens to also be his best friend? How are these friendships going to impact your wedding and married life? What do your friends you have say about you – who they are, why you’re friends with them, and how will you carry them from your single life into married life? Are your friends happy for your upcoming marriage or are they bitter and negative to the point you aren’t sure you could even share a stupid complaint about your fiancé(e) with them without them asking why you chose to marry that person?
What expectations do you have for the wedding party? Should each person already know their roles? Do you feel a need to tell them what is required? Do you think they should ask you or do you think you should just tell them what you expect? What happens if they don’t have the same idea as you – just as in married life , how do you deal with expectations spoken and unspoken? Do you compromise, do you politely “fire” them, or do you get someone else to fill the role they won’t – say, hostess for a shower?

Every marriage has its own unique culture. Some couples are very private with only a few close friends, while other couples rarely spend time alone. Most of us are in the middle somewhere and our wedding party selection can be a great indicator of who is most important in our lives, why we value them, and where we see our closest friendships going as we move into our new married lives.

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- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

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