Money: A Top Marriage Stressor ($25)
This award winning games does not require a financial planner background. This simple to use game will get you and your partner (or parents!) on a new level of understanding about your ATTITUDES on money...spending, saving, security.
No matter what your money views, there is no "right or wrong." A few big "a-ha" moments may greatly help your wedding and married life. read more
Wedding Discounts for Marriage Preparation
You take driving lessons, cooking classes, get coaching on sports, but somehow the most complex, life long relationships are assumed to magically work.
We are teaming up with wedding vendors to offer you wedding discounts for qualifying marriage prep purchases (books and classes.) Get Details
We're Going to Be One Happy Family...or else!
A very unique book written by a nationally respected marriage and family therapist, along side his GenX daughter.
A mother loved our book so much, she bought over a dozen copies to give to everyone in the family! They used the guidance from beginning to end to reduce conflict and avoid the "emotional landmines" that are sure to arise in wedding planning. read more
Wedding Budget Help
Wedding Budget Dilemmas
- Who Pays for the Wedding?
- Should You Elope?
- Saavy Questions to ask Wedding Vendors
- The Power Around Who Pays
- Creating a Wedding Budget
- Wedding Photography and Videography | What Do You Want to Record and at What Cost?
- Should you Splurge? A Decision Guide
- Dilemas: Chosing A Wedding Party
- Wedding Budget
- Create the Guest List or Budget First?
Marriage Prep
4 part weekly class. Interactive, anonomous, online and by phone.
When to Splurge on your Wedding?
Whether you have a set wedding budget or a general idea of what things cost, something will always crop up demanding your attention and interest. Something will always scream out to you, "buy me!" or "you neeeeeeeeeeeeeed me, I'm worth it!" We all have our own unique views of what constitutes a splurge.
My wedding invitations went from computer-printed on cheap paper to moderately priced fancy invitations. Definitely a splurge. My mom and I were going to buy a cheap veil and Michaels and ended up buying one at the wedding dress shop. A splurge indeed considering the price different. The last month of wedding planning I was doing the numbers, realizing that our wedding photography package would basically mean that our wedding photographer would not be at the early part of the wedding day or would not be there to see us off. I had the grand image of the "going away" photo that I didn't want to miss and I didn't want to cut the pre-ceremony photo time short. So yes, I bought a more expensive wedding photo package. A splurge or necessity?
Here are some ways to think about your splurge, get your mind thinking and hopefully helping you clarify what you should do.
Does this splurge greatly impact your budget? If so, are there other places you can reduce your budget to make things a financial wash?
If you really "need" nicer invitations, or a live band over a DJ, or more wedding photography hours, are the people paying for the wedding willing to expand the wedding budget or can you think about ways to reduce other costs? Perhaps not doing wedding favors, limiting your alcohol choices or not using a limo for transportation would be an option to reduce your budget. If others are helping pay and see your willingness to negotiate other aspects of your wedding they will be more likely to be supportive. It can also show that you value that particular splure for a reason and are willing to focus on those values over others.
Does this splurge impact anyone else? Would others feel shocked, annoyed, or upset by this new splurge? (Often grooms, sometimes paying parents can be annoyed or frustrated at what is perceived as a waste of money. If your splurge involves wedding party members, how will they feel and how will they be impacted?)
I've been reading about the latest trend to do plastic surgery for the wedding. This is clearly a splurge and can be shocking to parents, friends, or wedding party members whether or not they are also asked to get things done (also a trend - wedding party beautifying sessions.) Since the wedding is a community event your parents, groom and friends all have their opinions on the sanctity of the wedding day and what they consider over-the-top or simply unnecessary and a waste.
Have you already announced you want to do this or have you "tested the waters" to get peoples reactions? Are the reactions you're getting making you doubt yourself or making you feel defensive and wanting to stick your feet further into the ground? Can you separate your emotions from their emotions or are things too blurry?
If you slap others with a new idea you will often be met with strong resistance or at best, their very raw reaction. If you throw out the idea as something you're noodling on, they are not going to react to it HAPPENING, but to the idea of whether they feel it is a good idea or not. This engages them on a different emotional level and will usually result in very different responses. No matter how you suggest the splurge it is helpful to separate your reaction to their reaction from the final decision. Perhaps you are feel extra defensive because they bring up really good points you hadn't thought about before. You feel like they shattered a small fantasy you had in your head and now you are spending all your energy fighting their arguments. It takes a lot of humility to realize you may have had a great idea and it's completely silly or not worth the negative reactions its creating. Peace has a price and sometimes that price is not splurging!
Is the excitement or joy of going with this splurge MORE than the sadness or disappointment if you don't go with the splurge?
I like this question because it puts the opposite options on a scale and asks you to assess your emotions. For many of us the excitement of the splurge is high, but if we're honest, we wouldn't exactly feel sad or disappointed if it didn't happen. The reality is we probably had been planning happily when this splurge came upon us and shifted our view of the wedding. If we stop and realize we were plenty happy before knowing of this new product or service, perhaps it's not really worth the splurge afterall.
If there is huge disappointment or sadness, it's important to reflect on why. The "why" is the real value underneath the splurge. After I saw these gorgeous wedding invitations I was thoroughly disappointed at the idea of plane jane wedding invitations. It really became an unacceptable notion to me. Why? We had already sacrificed some REALLY cool reception locations for budget and family reasons and we had already chosen to get unremarkable food (people only remember horrible food or amazing food at weddings.) Our values were around setting a mood and atmosphere and the invitations were the first step in that direction. Our values came into play and we could articulate the justification for the splurge.
Did you know about this splurge the whole time or was this something you saw in a wedding magazine, or on a message board? (Sometimes those places have a way of making us "need" things that aren't really necessary.)
I came up with some "amazing" ideas through message boards and magazines that were met with huge resistance. The problem with those are they are often national, uncensored and don't articulate deep values underneath the splurge. There are plenty of splurges I've been seeing lately such as wedding photo booths for guests to take photos of themselves, or valet services so guests don't have to park their own cars. These are awesome and fun services! But they are splurges. And they cost a lot of money. And they may not be very common in your region yet which means they're out of the norms for weddings and people may react strongly. If you always dreamed of having a photo booth at your wedding then it's a value you can articulate. But parents and fiance's are often less forgiving of your latest whim and splurge needs every time you open a new wedding magazine or read the bridal message boards!
How would this splurge change your wedding? Would it make things more beautiful, more organized, or more trustworthy (more money often means a higher level of trust in a vendor or service)?
Some splurges really would enhance a core of your wedding. I do firmly believe that a majority of weddings are planned by people who have never planned a huge event before and could use some good guidance on the "flow" of the day. A wedding planner could be hired to help in that regard. It's a splurge, yes. But it could also make the entire wedding day into something special instead of disasterous. You could also pay for extra servers which speeds up your reception, makes your reception more hospitable, and gives you more time to dance and enjoy the night. Paying more money could give you a much higher quality photographer who knows how to manage all the relatives and make the wedding run on schedule, not to mention give you much better photos.
Being able to articulate how the splurge could change your wedding is one step towards getting to your values. Once you know what you value you may find other creative ways to accomplish the same goal. You could assign two highly organized aunts, one from each family, to round up the relatives and make the photos run faster. You could decide on a different menu, or different seating arrangements to speed up the reception.
Does this splurge make you feel more confident or secure?
Again we're talking about your values. One of my top insecurities was "feeling pretty". I never wear make up and am a wash and go girl. I felt huge pressure being the spotlight of the entire event and I felt completely confident and secure hiring out a makeup artist and professional hair stylist. In fact I chose the owner of a top local salon who has done famous peoples hair and can work magic. The money was well worth it. I felt so confident I never wanted or needed a hair and make up trial. I knew for me, the insecurity of being center of attention would best be met with top attention to my area of top weakness - my looks.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Bill Doherty. The First Dance is a 2007 Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. See what engaged couples and wedding professionals are saying about our book Take Back Your wedding. Our entire website is dedicated to offering advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.