Wedding Questions, Dilemas and "Who is right?"

The reason we at The First Dance exist and won a Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter award is because of the simplistic answers to the really common problems most of us will or have faced in wedding planning. At worst, the advice in bridal land is toxic and damaging. At best, it "sounds good" but won't actually help anything.

Here is a good example of "missing the boat", taken from a website. After the answer given I will express a better answer response and show you how we think here at the only wedding website dedicated to the relationship side of wedding planning (through a marriage counseling lens.)

While we don't offer prescriptions for "what you should do", we offer a new perspective, one that opens you up to finding your OWN answers and solutions while allowing your feelings and the feelings of others to have respect and dignity.

http://www.thestar.com/living/article/413366

Q: My son, 31, and his fiancé are financially well off, earning $100,000-plus each.

My husband and I have been in this country for 20 years and brought up two children on a limited budget. My husband's now retired.

My son asked if we'll contribute to their August wedding expenses.

I was so shocked. He argued that we paid for most of our daughter's wedding last year.

This was because our son-in-law was from out-of-country, he had only 10 guests and our daughter earned $25,000 that year. We're still paying for that wedding.

My son's wedding involves 100 guests from the bride's side, 80 of my son's friends and fewer than 10 from my family.

His fiancée's parents are contributing $25,000 – the bride's side usually spends more.

My son cannot get past my refusal to contribute, and now questions us whenever we spend anything he perceives as "extravagant" (we were planning a holiday abroad, which finally was cancelled).

My son has never helped us financially, emotionally or physically.

They've made it clear that since we're not contributing, our opinion about any wedding details won't be considered. Our relations are now strained.

Am I wrong to not chip in?

Wedding Woes

A: There's time to salvage this relationship before August, so make that your main effort, rather than comparing numbers.

There are joys to share ahead – your son's success, future grandchildren, etc. This is not just about money.

More likely, your son is embarrassed before his in-laws. Your blanket refusal to contribute was simply too harsh, and showed no interest in participating. Whatever the trip abroad would have cost, say $2,500, would have been a goodwill gesture, especially if given with heartfelt happiness for him and the couple.

Despite your restricted funds, you did manage to make a wedding for your daughter. Had you been broke, she could have married even more simply.

You only have two children and your son feels he's less important to you. Though he earns well, he needs some show of your pride and support.

Make amends and offer to at least pay for your own guests (probably about $200 a person, everything included).

_____________________________

I would ask this mother a few things:

Did you consider when paying for your daughters wedding that your son would expect fair treatment? In some families it is an unspoken awareness that the tradition will hold - parents pay for brides family and they'll expect their son to marry a woman whose parents pay for his wedding.

Did you feel a need to pay for her wedding because "it is tradition" or because she wasn't making much money or because her groom had hardly any guests? How do your views of tradition play into this? Let's pretend your son was the daughter, but everything else was the same - both make 200K+, the "grooms parents" were contributing $25,000, etc. What would you feel about contributing in that situation?

The problem here is he is he may be feeling hurt and upset that his sister got better treatment because, in your view, her groom "happened" to be from another country and not have many guests, and his sister happened to be not making much money. He may be feeling that he's being punished because he's got a good job and his bride is from this country and wants to invite more than 10 guests. He may also be as reactive to your REFUSAL which he takes to mean he's not as important as his sister rather than any actual money. As he now challenges every financial decision you make, things have gone downhill and the real problems are not being addressed. (The advice to pay $200 per guest does NOT get to the real problem here nor does it solve your financial stress and his ability to pay for his own wedding over your limited income and existing debt.)

To get to the heart of the situation will require talking more deeply about how you feel and about how he is feeling. The fact he is now refusing to let you "in" on his wedding is a sign he's potentially feeling a lot more emotional pain than you are feeling financial strain. This isn't about the money. It's about values, resources, tradition, sibling-comparisons, fixed incomes, how much money contributes to decisions in wedding planning, etc. If you can get deeper into his head and show empathy that may release some of his hardness and let you actually talk through this. But until he feels heard and understood, you're in for a long, sad wedding planning season and the aftermath may very well last a long time.