Wedding Stress and Mistakes Made with Relatives

If you are lucky you are not only close to your relatives but they have great relationships with your parents and each other. Relatives can be like second parents, providing great emotional support as well as logistical support for your wedding.

Sadly there seems to be few families that do not have some sort of cut off in the family. Whether it's divorced parents, divorced relatives (but you're close to both people), or other family rivalries, you can feel like you're creating world war three by inviting people that you want at your wedding. It can be worse when your parent doesn't want a relative at your wedding but that person is a really important person in your life. You feel forced to chose who to invite and who to anger.

The reality is you have a right to invite everyone you love to your wedding, no matter who threatens to not show up, or no matter who threatens things like, "If you invite Aunt Mary to the wedding you are telling me that I am not invited!" People rarely follow through on their bluff and the reality is their problems have nothing to do with you and you do not have to participate in the drama. We talk more in our book, Take Back Your Wedding, about all these dramatic situations, but the summary is to not get into a dialogue about the threat. Simply let everyone know you are inviting the people you love but it's their choice to come or not. You will be sad if they chose not to come, you say, but it's up to them. You want everyone to be here and hope they chose to come.

Particular mistakes made with relatives include:

Not appreciating family culture. Are weddings a huge party to get a little tipsy? Are they are really important religious event? Are they a time to invite every member of the extended family tree for a big family reunion? Is the family so large that everyone cuts off the list at first cousins?
Are kids invited? Family can feel very self-righteous that the kids should be part of the family wedding. Since many ring bearers and flower girls are family, it can cause a lot of drama to invite those kids but nobody else. Knowing what the family expects, and then spreading the world well in advance of your wedding (basically from the time you decide there will NOT be kids) is going to save a lot of hurt feelings if you want until invitations go out weeks before the wedding. Remember, on people aware of bridal etiquette appreciate the names on the invitation represent who is invited. (IE: not saying kids names is supposed to let people know kids aren't invited because the assumption is everyone knows this rule.)
When a family member is a little kooky, it is helpful to let your partner know this right away in wedding planning. It can avoid a lot of hurt feelings later on when the person perhaps "does their thing" - whether it's to yell at someone, cause a big fuss, or otherwise do something wacky.
Letting family know when the guest list is set (we suggest doing this as one of the very first tasks) will help set the tone that as the engagement progresses, family and relatives are not going to verbally invite people they "assume" would be at your wedding. Grandparents are often guilty of not appreciating they can't invite all their friends or when they talk to your fourth cousin once removed they should not be telling them to save the wedding date. Back in their day weddings were very different and not nearly as expensive. They rightfully get excited at the idea of seeing the entire family clan and may not appreciate your budget or space restrictions.

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